11: Beautiful Diversity
Thinking Outside the Binary Box
June is Pride month – and depending on who I’m listening to, the standings differ. I have a wide range of opinions gathered around me personally and professionally, which I’m very grateful for: reaching from friends who are actively taking part in the parades to the people in my life who view it as completely unnecessary and over the top.
“But Helen, why on earth do they have to make such a big deal out of it?”
I get asked that a lot. And I get why it is so tough to understand from the perspective of someone who is a), very straight and b), completely unbothered by someone else’s sexuality or gender identity. Really, I get it. And I’ll do my best to make it a bit more plausible.
They have to make such a big deal out of it because we haven’t yet arrived in a society where everybody thinks just like you – that it simply doesn’t matter who we love and what gender we identify with. We are still way too invested in determining rules and re-entertaining the idea that being queer and/or trans is abnormal. All while we know, as a matter of fact, that queerness is a very normal part of every breathing species on this planet. Sexuality has never been there purely for reproduction, it has always meant more: connection.
I’d assume that whoever is reading this hasn’t reduced their sex life to the couple of times when baby-making was the goal; and that in itself should be self-explanatory, which is why I just wanted to drop this here.
Even the standpoint that there are only two biological genders is way too easy to contradict, because intersex people simply exist – no discussion needed. That isn’t an opinion, just reality.
And still: we seem to be having enormous trouble adjusting to the idea that with people, things aren’t all black and white. Whenever we’re challenged to think outside the binary box, we tend to expect something bad. But what if it’s the exact opposite way around?
What if all this limiting and shrinking is meant to isolate us from one another, so we’re staying in this meaningless cycle of judgment?
Nobody really profits from keeping the cycle going; not the ones who already are allowed to openly love who they want to love, and especially not the ones who aren’t. But how do we break it? One word: kindness.
I think that we’re all attempting our best, going through life and following the beliefs we view as most morally fitting. And maybe it’s this utter fixation on behaving in the rightest way possible that makes it so hard for us to fall in love with diversity. Because it means the end point of binarity, of black and white, of one right way to do it versus lots of wrong paths to potentially slither on.
As long as we’re busy fighting each other based on absolutely unimportant traits such as sexuality and gender identity, there is no space left to build bridges. Maybe we’re also a bit afraid to go deeper, as the familiar gives us a sense of comfort. And endlessly circling around the ever-same issue that isn’t really one is serving as an excuse to stay there. But by keeping the distance, we’re not really getting anywhere.
Diversity is beautiful because it’s enriching. Encounters with people of different sorts inspire us to rethink our own worldview, they challenge us to grow. They elevate us, just as we elevate them. There is nothing to gain out of a greyish mass of barely unique individuals who are all equally unhappy because no, it’s not natural for a whole humanity to be completely alike. That kind of expectation leads to collective suffering and missing out on living a life that truly feels like ours.
Everybody deserves to build this kind of life. Being able to kiss your partner in public, and to walk hand in hand with them on the streets without fear. Saying I do without hateful voices whispering in the background. And until we’re there, we’ll keep celebrating.
Carry-On:
Something more to explore – and to carry along into the new week.
To Read
Bi: The Hidden Culture, History and Science of Bisexuality by Julia Shaw (2022)
I read the German version right when it came out and absolutely loved it. As a bisexual psychologist with a master’s degree in Queer History, Dr Julia Shaw manages to beautifully combine autobiographic parts with scientific findings regarding bisexuality.
To Watch
A Secret Love (2020, Netflix)
a beautiful documentary about the life- and love story of Pat Henschel and Terry Donahue.
Heartstopper (2022, Netflix)
a sweet British teen series revolving around friends to lovers Charlie Spring and Nick Nelson.
Happiest Season (2020, currently available on Netflix)
a Christmas drama telling the story of Abby, Harper, their love and the fear around coming out to your family.
Serial (Bad) Weddings 2 (2019, currently available on Prime)
among other things, the sequel following up on Claude Verneuil and his daughters tells the story of Viviane Kofi, the sister of one of his sons in law – and her fiancée.