Helen, this piece resonates so deeply. Your thought experiment perfectly illustrates how brutally we withhold the compassion from ourselves that we freely give to others. I’ve been that friend offering a steady hand while internally berating myself for similar "failures." Your call to practice self-empathy as a default right—not a reward—feels like permission to finally exhale.
But I wonder about those moments when self-empathy itself becomes exhausting. What about people who are too weary to soften their self-talk, who feel they’ve run out of emotional reserves to "hold space" for themselves? When someone’s already at the end of their rope, does "be kinder to yourself" risk feeling like just another demand? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how we might approach self-compassion when even that feels like climbing a mountain.
Your "Carry-On" exercise is a beautiful starting point—I’ll be observing my inner dialogue with softer eyes this week. Thank you for this reminder that we’re all worthy of the grace we extend to others.
Ali, thank you so much for your words. Hearing that mine resonate so deeply with you is truly everything. It’s an honour.
I’ve been thinking about your question. What you’re mentioning about the possible perception of self-compassion as an additional demand is so, so valid. And honestly, I see how that idea forms. It takes energy and resources we fear we might not have in the given moment, it might ask for difficult acts such as setting boundaries or walking away. And yes, that’s not always an option, it’s a privilege. But what I also believe is that self-compassion needs to become a part of our inner fundament, and I don’t necessarily view it as an act that exclusively takes from us, it also gives back - and hopefully more than it takes. Space to exhale, understanding, grounding, an emotional release and healthier ways of processing. And: wouldn’t approaching self-compassion with pressure and the idea of demand be quite the opposite of practicing it, especially when we’re worn out? What would you say?
Helen, thank you for taking the time to sit with my question - your response has given me much to think about.
You're absolutely right that approaching self-compassion with pressure would be its own contradiction. I hadn't considered that paradox. When I wrote about it feeling like "another demand," I realize I was already framing it through that harsh inner critic you described - turning even kindness into a performance metric.
Your point about self-compassion as part of our "inner fundament" rather than an isolated act is profound. I've been thinking of it as something I need to actively DO rather than a way of BEING. Perhaps that's where the exhaustion comes in - trying to manufacture compassion in moments of crisis rather than cultivating it as a baseline presence.
What strikes me most is your observation that it gives back more than it takes. In my depleted moments, I've been so focused on the initial energy investment that I forgot about the returns - that space to exhale you mention. Maybe the real practice isn't forcing gentleness when we're running on empty, but simply noticing when we're adding pressure to an already heavy load?
I'm curious though - how do we begin building that fundament when our default wiring runs so contrary to it? Is it through those small moments of observation you suggested, gradually rewiring our patterns? Or is there a deeper shift in how we conceptualize our relationship with ourselves?
Your piece has already softened something in me. Thank you for that gift.
Ali, this was absolutely beautiful to read. I’m so moved by your words and the way you’re navigating this process, it’s truly inspiring.
As to how we can begin building that fundament: I believe that the moment we’re asking ourselves that question, we’re already starting to rewire. And I think it really has to do with an individual feeling of readiness - when the intrinsic desire to evolve has become bigger than the sense of comfort we find in a familiar pattern, no matter how destructive it might be. We need to gather enough self-trust to embark on a journey that leads us away from what we know, and fuel that trust on a regular basis.
The rest is probably, as you said, self-observation from a kind, non-judgmental, and non-demanding place, which ideally frees us for noticing the possible ways to exit the pattern in the given moment. Finding an approach to such a complex transformation process seems to be a lifelong journey, but for now, this is how I view it.
Again, thank you for the gift of sharing your thoughts with me. Knowing that you’ve found a space to meet yourself here in that debth and hearing how it already shifted something within you means everything.
Helen, this piece resonates so deeply. Your thought experiment perfectly illustrates how brutally we withhold the compassion from ourselves that we freely give to others. I’ve been that friend offering a steady hand while internally berating myself for similar "failures." Your call to practice self-empathy as a default right—not a reward—feels like permission to finally exhale.
But I wonder about those moments when self-empathy itself becomes exhausting. What about people who are too weary to soften their self-talk, who feel they’ve run out of emotional reserves to "hold space" for themselves? When someone’s already at the end of their rope, does "be kinder to yourself" risk feeling like just another demand? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how we might approach self-compassion when even that feels like climbing a mountain.
Your "Carry-On" exercise is a beautiful starting point—I’ll be observing my inner dialogue with softer eyes this week. Thank you for this reminder that we’re all worthy of the grace we extend to others.
Ali, thank you so much for your words. Hearing that mine resonate so deeply with you is truly everything. It’s an honour.
I’ve been thinking about your question. What you’re mentioning about the possible perception of self-compassion as an additional demand is so, so valid. And honestly, I see how that idea forms. It takes energy and resources we fear we might not have in the given moment, it might ask for difficult acts such as setting boundaries or walking away. And yes, that’s not always an option, it’s a privilege. But what I also believe is that self-compassion needs to become a part of our inner fundament, and I don’t necessarily view it as an act that exclusively takes from us, it also gives back - and hopefully more than it takes. Space to exhale, understanding, grounding, an emotional release and healthier ways of processing. And: wouldn’t approaching self-compassion with pressure and the idea of demand be quite the opposite of practicing it, especially when we’re worn out? What would you say?
Helen, thank you for taking the time to sit with my question - your response has given me much to think about.
You're absolutely right that approaching self-compassion with pressure would be its own contradiction. I hadn't considered that paradox. When I wrote about it feeling like "another demand," I realize I was already framing it through that harsh inner critic you described - turning even kindness into a performance metric.
Your point about self-compassion as part of our "inner fundament" rather than an isolated act is profound. I've been thinking of it as something I need to actively DO rather than a way of BEING. Perhaps that's where the exhaustion comes in - trying to manufacture compassion in moments of crisis rather than cultivating it as a baseline presence.
What strikes me most is your observation that it gives back more than it takes. In my depleted moments, I've been so focused on the initial energy investment that I forgot about the returns - that space to exhale you mention. Maybe the real practice isn't forcing gentleness when we're running on empty, but simply noticing when we're adding pressure to an already heavy load?
I'm curious though - how do we begin building that fundament when our default wiring runs so contrary to it? Is it through those small moments of observation you suggested, gradually rewiring our patterns? Or is there a deeper shift in how we conceptualize our relationship with ourselves?
Your piece has already softened something in me. Thank you for that gift.
Ali, this was absolutely beautiful to read. I’m so moved by your words and the way you’re navigating this process, it’s truly inspiring.
As to how we can begin building that fundament: I believe that the moment we’re asking ourselves that question, we’re already starting to rewire. And I think it really has to do with an individual feeling of readiness - when the intrinsic desire to evolve has become bigger than the sense of comfort we find in a familiar pattern, no matter how destructive it might be. We need to gather enough self-trust to embark on a journey that leads us away from what we know, and fuel that trust on a regular basis.
The rest is probably, as you said, self-observation from a kind, non-judgmental, and non-demanding place, which ideally frees us for noticing the possible ways to exit the pattern in the given moment. Finding an approach to such a complex transformation process seems to be a lifelong journey, but for now, this is how I view it.
Again, thank you for the gift of sharing your thoughts with me. Knowing that you’ve found a space to meet yourself here in that debth and hearing how it already shifted something within you means everything.