After years spent in the cycle, we meet the breaking point – the moment we realise we don’t want to keep doing this any longer. But where is the exit?
Breaking self-sabotaging patterns seems to be one of the most complex and difficult things to achieve – at least it often gets painted that way. But what if we stop following the belief that change is nothing but hard and painful?
What if, in reality, it gives back so much more than it takes?
Why we tend to stay stuck
We’re so deeply wired to assume that change is almost impossible to achieve that often, we’re not even questioning it anymore. We’ve just resigned to the idea that we’ll most likely stay stuck in the ever-same patterns, without any chance to escape. But why is that?
Let’s start off with a truth that can’t be ignored. Whether we successfully change our course isn’t exclusively up to us and our willpower. Our position in society makes up the stats, together with a number of other factors. The more privilege we enjoy, and the less structural hurdles we face, the better the chances. Against some ongoing philosophy, the reality is that not everybody can achieve anything. Besides material aspects, there are limits varying from country to country – in rights, in mentality, in freedom. This is something important to consider.
That mentioned, what I mean to address here leans more towards our inner patterns determining how we show up on a daily basis. What we think about others, and ourselves. The way we regulate our emotions, and the expectations that guide us through. All that is deeply wired within, a product of the conclusions we’ve drawn from past experiences – and not subject to our awareness unless we actively begin to self-observe.
And no matter how unsatisfied we might feel, staying within the pattern offers a sense of comfort we don’t immediately find when taking the first steps out of it. Outside, our alarm bells start ringing and everything screams at us to turn around and run – even though we might prefer staying out in the sun instead of hiding in the darkness.
We need to prepare ourselves for that initial discomfort – and face it. It won’t stay, I promise.
Finding the exit
The exit is there. Always. Seeing it is the task. Noticing when we’re about to repeat the same self-destructive decision and using that momentum to actively choose otherwise.
Our patterns aren’t necessarily our fault – but nevertheless, they are our responsibility. The way we navigate them is a matter of choice. We might be shaped by yesterday’s experiences, but we determine the impact we allow them to have on our today.
Breaking a pattern means being brutally honest with ourselves. We’re suddenly eye to eye with the stories and actions that brought us here, and that view is what many of us shy away from – simply because we don’t want to be confronted with the things that hurt us. And well, it makes sense. One tiny weakness in that strategy: avoiding the tough questions won’t make them disappear. They can be tackled one by one, bit by bit. And when we decide to approach them, let’s not forget to do it with self-compassion and patience. It doesn’t need to be solved tomorrow, give it time.
What is there to gain?
If you’ve come this far reading, you might wonder when the “it gives back more than it takes”-part starts: don’t worry, right here.
Catching the exit and daring to step out of a familiar pattern is probably the bravest thing we’ll ever do. And it comes with the biggest reward. We’re no longer in autopilot mode, which allows us to move along with a crystal-clear intention and a very own set of beliefs and priorities. It won’t feel like freedom at first, but don’t confuse growing pains with a stop sign. Keep going.
Taking the leap
And gradually, we’ll be able to step out more and more often – until, one day, a pattern that once held us tight will be nothing more than a memory. A way we used to do things, without any real impact on how we navigate our life today. We’ll have found and built our own definition of functional, healthy, and happy – all because of one single decision we made the moment we realised that this is what we wanted.
We will notice this individual feeling of readiness – when the intrinsic desire to evolve has become bigger than the sense of comfort we find in a familiar pattern, no matter how destructive it might be. All that’s left to do is gathering enough self-trust to embark on a journey that leads us away from what we know; and fueling that trust on a regular basis.
Carry-On Question
What’s the pattern you’re currently busy finding the exit for? And what is it you would wish for instead?
This week, take a moment to sit with these questions - and kindly observe what comes up.
Then, take a moment to visualise how the situation will look like once you’ve left the pattern behind. What has changed? What is different in the way you think and act? How do you feel now?
When you come back, bring the following thought along into the new week:
How does that vision of yourself differ from the person you are today - and what is one decision that will bring you closer to that goal?
Today’s edition was inspired by a beautiful conversation with Ali Papa from Vistas of Hope. Thank you for kindly challenging me to these thoughts.
Find more articles and essay’s on the Wholeheartedly website, or ➡️ click here
Helen, this piece is both honest and deeply moving. You’ve articulated the complexity of breaking patterns with such clarity and compassion. The idea that our patterns aren’t necessarily our fault, but are still our responsibility, really resonates. It’s a gentle yet powerful reminder that we hold the key to our own growth, even when the door feels heavy to push open.
What struck me most was your emphasis on self-trust as the foundation for change. It’s easy to overlook how much courage it takes to step into the unknown, especially when the familiar feels deceptively safe. But you’ve captured the essence of that bravery beautifully – the willingness to face discomfort, to question our stories, and to move forward with intention.
I’d like to add a thought to your invitation for self-reflection: Sometimes, the exits we’re searching for aren’t as far away as they seem. They might be hidden in the small, quiet moments – in a single pause before reacting, a kind word to ourselves, or a choice to try again tomorrow. These tiny shifts, though seemingly insignificant, are often the most transformative over time.
Thank you for challenging us to see the light beyond the pattern and for reminding us that the reward – freedom, clarity, and joy – is always worth the effort. Keep writing and inspiring, Helen. The world needs more voices like yours.
These comments are so profound that there is little for me to add aside from saying what a beautiful piece this is :)