19: Off the Brake

There Is No Such Thing as Being Behind

The feeling of having to be more accomplished than we are is what holds us back from starting.

We hesitate out of the subconscious belief that we can’t succeed with what we currently bring to the table. We compare ourselves to a hypothetical standard, an ideal version existing in our brain – usually a version of us that is further along in the journey. We tell ourselves that as long as we’re not fully living up to that ideal, we’re destined to fail anyway. And the result? We’re not moving one bit. In German we say: “mit angezogener Handbremse fahren”, which translates to driving with the handbrake on. We’re not gonna go anywhere.

This ideal in our brain isn’t our personal invention. It’s the result of growing up in a system that holds very narrow standards and strongly implemented hierarchy. We’re shaped into believing that there is only one acceptable timeline, and that our worthiness is determined by how close we’re following it. Life’s milestones are treated like ticks on a to-do list, and the more we collect, the better. Societal norms teach us that we’re all supposed to have the same list, with the same things on it in the exact same order. That, however, doesn’t apply to reality at all.

I’ve wanted to write and publish for as long as I can remember. And over the years, I made countless attempts to do so. I worked myself through different genres, engaged in several smaller projects and showed glimpses of it to other people. Even though the feedback was good, I always backed out after a couple of months – simply because I didn’t feel accomplished enough to really keep pursuing this path.

In one way or another, this seems to be a familiar thought for quite many of us. And it’s odd. We’re waiting for a hypothetical moment when we will be different – further along in life, maybe more in tune with our emotions, just better in general, however that’s supposed to look like – before giving ourselves the permission to take up space.

But how are we supposed to ever be accomplished if we never allow ourselves to experience the learning process that is needed to evolve? Where should that growth come from?

Feelings of doubt are an important part of the journey, and if we think about it for a second, it makes a lot of sense. We’re about to build a completely new foundation, something that stands in opposition to the way we were taught to perceive ourselves. Of course that feels odd, how couldn’t it? But is giving up really the right answer then?

What happens if we start interpreting this odd feeling as a good sign instead of a bad omen?

From early on, we are taught to trust external opinions more than our own intuition. And well, in the beginning, it does have its legitimacy – after all, adults carry the responsibility to care for their children. But at some point in our lives, a switch happens. As we grow older, we’re the ones becoming responsible for our needs – but by then, it has already become quite difficult to separate outer expectations from our own personal desire. The good news: it’s something we can learn along the way.

There is no such thing as being behind. As that would mean that there actually was one single acceptable timeline everybody has to follow. As if fitting that ideal held any truth about our worthiness.

We don’t need to earn the right to start, and we deserve to live through learning processes in real time. We can’t skip that part, anyway. No matter how old we are and where we’re at in the journey, the only ideal that really counts is the version of ourselves we intrinsically want to become. We’re allowed to alter the to-do list according to our own wishes, to add points and cross out others. This isn’t just an act of self-care, it’s a quiet revolution.

We’re not arriving late to life – it’s just that punctuality in the form of life’s milestones looks different to each one of us. Hierarchical systems don’t appreciate individuality, which is why one minor inconvenience is enough to make us feel like we’re immediately behind. Once we see through it, though, nothing prevents us from rewriting that narrative.

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Carry-On:

This week, take a moment to think about your own to-do list – and if there are any alterations you might want to make.

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