20: Say the Scary Thing
The Beauty of Opening Up
I recently discovered something that made me shudder. As I was sitting there on my tiny little sofa, iced coffee in hand, processing the last couple of days filled with an exam and other not-so-fun responsibilities, my brain decided that now was the perfect time to grant me a full-circle realisation.
I had asked myself in the past why it’s so difficult for me to set boundaries and fully stay transparent about what I want, especially in connections that mean something to me. And my tough truth in that context: once I begin to like you, I start shrinking myself – automatically, not intentionally. I vanish without noticing.
About a year ago, I was caught up in an unlabelled connection where I first started to get a grip of what I was doing – or more precisely, wasn’t doing at all in such a situation: taking up the space I deserve. My cure came in the form of very tough love from a close friend, who didn’t hesitate to let me know how she felt that the longer this went on, the less of me reappeared. And well, I needed that.
Over the course of the last couple months, I began to understand more and more why I was so willingly making myself small, and why I didn’t even realise it for the longest time. Part of it can be linked to societal pressure. We often carry this internalised fear of being too much, which automatically leads us to be hyper aware of how much space we take.
I really dislike my tendency to overexplain and overthink in those moments, and it’s difficult for me to shake that off. All while knowing that nobody in my life is asking for me to make myself small, otherwise they certainly wouldn’t be part of it. This is how I began to understand that this felt pressure must arise from somewhere deeper down, buried between societal norms and role assignments we’re shaped according to.
The issue regarding societal change is that even though we personally might find ourselves in a lucky situation where we only have people around us who want us to be fully authentic no matter what, we still carry the beliefs that have shaped us. Here in Europe, for example, we know that theoretically, we could be whoever we want to be. But nevertheless, we were all raised according to different standards. The space we think we’re allowed to take is closely linked to the ideals we were taught to chase.
We’re allowed to make ourselves seen and felt. We’re allowed to take up space, and not only that – the people who love us will get to see us happier, too.
When we care about someone, we’d never want that person to think that they have to hide how they truly feel. We’d want to be there for them, we’d want to know the whole truth about what’s going on. We’d never expect them to perform some sort of half-hearted show, pretending that things are fine when they’re not. And the same exact thing counts vice versa.
We tend to hide our feelings because we don’t want to burden others. We’d rather protect the ones we care about from having to deal with our messy parts. But what we often overlook is that this is causing more harm than good.
Pretending isn’t productive – neither for us nor the people we’re performing for. It raises confusion and potentially destroys more than it could ever protect.
We’d rather talk about it than hide, and they’d rather listen than guess.
And this is how we systematically fuel the utmost unnecessary drama that originally started with nothing but beautiful intentions from all sides. Fascinating, isn’t it?
We’re so caught up in doing our best, busy trying not to burden anybody, that we’re hurting the ones we’d rather open up to, and ourselves, by shutting them out. Taking up space doesn’t just have to do with being aware that we’re allowed to, it also comes with a sense of understanding that it’s somewhat necessary for our own wellbeing.
There’s a huge difference between shouting it out to the world and intentionally choosing people we know we can trust. And trust is something you gradually earn and build over time, which is why it’s perfectly fine to give it the space to grow.
Sharing our thoughts and emotions holds a special kind of power. As we deepen connections, we’re simultaneously getting to the root of who we are as individuals. Never have I learned more than during encounters with others, some kept short, some lasting – which is why it has become one of my core topics to write about.
We’d rather talk about it than hide, and they’d rather listen than guess.
Carry-On:
This week, say the scary thing.
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This really resonates with me - that automatic shrinking when we start to care about someone. The line "We'd rather talk about it than hide, and they'd rather listen than guess" is such a powerful reminder. I've spent so much energy trying to protect others from my "messy parts," not realizing that the distance it creates hurts more than the vulnerability ever could. Thank you for articulating something I've been struggling to understand about myself. Here's to saying the scary things and trusting that the right people want all of us, not just the polished version. 💛