27: On Fuckups and Forgiveness
And Their Complexities
As a cultural studies person who is used to looking at topics like collective mindsets and their shifts, I find it interesting how many different standpoints on forgiveness exist. Some people are convinced that forgiving isn’t fair because it seemingly “excuses” the mistakes of people who did something wrong, as if you were releasing them from a prison sentence they would have deserved. Some others think we should always forgive, without exception – for spiritual reasons, or because it’s supposed to be better for our mental health. I personally believe that there is plenty of room in the middle – and I’m glad that we all get to individually decide how to fill it.
Here are my thoughts on the matter. You don’t have to share any of them, these are just opinions.
(Just a quick heads-up: when I say forgiveness, I mean the continuation of a connection, a genuine rebuilt of trust, and a reestablishment of closeness.)
I’m a big fan of forgiving the right people in the right moments. When it’s clear that they’re taking responsibility for what went wrong on their side. After all, how are we supposed to build something lasting if mistakes can’t be part of the picture? How is that supposed to work?
I also think that everyone has a right to decide against it. Just because forgiving is an option doesn’t automatically make it an obligation for everybody. We get to choose how to move forward in our processes. Holding on to the past, though, likely continues to drain us in the present and future. Forgiving can be a possible way out – probably not the easiest, but a freeing one.
You. Don’t. Have. To. Be. Perfect.
Nobody is, no matter how much anyone might pretend. We all fuck up at times, it happens. And you know what? It doesn’t make you a bad person.
If you do a hundred things correctly and mess up one time, and someone decides to focus on the one thing you didn’t get right while forgetting about the hundred times when you did, it speaks volumes about them – not about you.
They will have moments of failure, too – and just because they cease to remember that the moment they give you a hard time for the one mistake you made doesn’t mean that they’re right with their image of you.
Just because someone projects a certain intention on your action doesn’t make it the truth – it’s just their version of the story. They have a right to be hurt, and with the way they picture you, it might be them trying to make sense out of the situation themselves. Sometimes, there is none. Sometimes, things just go wrong.
Where is the line between explaining context and justifying a mistake?
That’s a balance act I’m currently struggling with. How do you explain that you weren’t the best version of yourself because your cup had been overflowing for months, with strokes of fate and private losses, that your head was full and you really had no intention of disappointing anyone – without it coming across as you trying to play the victim card? I’m really not sure.
One thing I’m still trying to learn is that my mistakes don’t define me. And still, every time I find myself in a situation where I get reduced to them, I immediately believe it. I believe that the one time I messed up makes me unworthy of trust, or unreliable on the whole. Which is quite a high standard to hold, if we’re being honest – if not completely impossible.
Forgiveness isn’t a free pass for someone to mess us up all over again. Forgiveness serves us first and foremost, as we get to reclaim our energy that got stuck in the past and save it for where it’s actually useful – the present. Forgiving ourselves isn’t illegal – sometimes, it’s a necessity. We can give ourselves permission to move on without needing the approval of anyone else, because we can’t control if that’s ever going to happen or not. We can own our mistake, we can try to make up for it, we can offer everything, and they still have the right to say no. They don’t owe us forgiveness and we can move on, regardless.
You don’t have to be perfect. Nobody is. It’s enough to be a human trying to get it right.
Carry-On:
Thank you for reading this piece – sending hugs if you need a bit of love today. Feel free to send them along.
☕️ Some news (some of you might have already caught it):
I’ve added a second format to this publication – “Haltungsgeschichten” (“Attitude Stories”), publishing every other Thursday (for now). Written in German this time (my mother tongue). There, we will explore questions like: How can we create eye level? - referring to collective mindset, systemic imbalances, and structural shifts towards equality.
We will learn about particular people, projects, and their work philosophies who’ve already made significantly positive impact in that direction.
➡️ find the first edition here ⬅️ (online since last Thursday)
It’s always been my goal to write in both languages I communicate in on the daily, and I wish I could provide all texts in both English and German, but that’s just not doable for time reasons – that’s why I’d encourage you to take translation tools to help if there’s a language barrier. I know it’s not ideal, but I really don’t want to exclude anyone who might be interested in one or the other format or topic. For now, I can’t offer a better solution.
Thanks so much for your understanding, for being here and for sharing this space with me, it’s such a joyful experience every time. Have an awesome week and all the best until then,
H