30: What if it stays good?
Monday Editions
Today, I’ll give you a glimpse into my personal biography because it’s far away from perfect (whatever that’s supposed to be). I barely ever talk about some of these parts, but as someone who wants to cultivate visibility and genuine connection through their work, I feel like I can’t stop here. And I don’t want to. When I say that I know what it feels like to deal with a messy past, I mean it. Mine is. And I wouldn’t want to have it any other way, because I don’t think I’d even be remotely as happy today if I hadn’t lived through it.
Two and a half years ago, I moved from my parents’ house in Austria back to Germany, back to the region where I was born. I hadn’t lived here at all since the age of 3 when we emigrated, so I didn’t really know what to expect coming back. But I was curious to try.
In those last two and a half years, I’ve studied, I’ve travelled, I beat my chronic illness after years of fighting my way through a flawed medical system (not gonna lie, quite proud of that) and I started my professional path as a writer. Those are the big milestones. There were side quests, too, of course, but these are for another day.
The point I’m trying to get to is that not too long ago, my life looked entirely different from the one I’m allowed to live today. People who’ve got to know me here certainly wouldn’t recognise the pre-Germany-version. The first couple years of my adult life were, let’s say, quite spectacular. I had a burnout at 17 (turns out that’s possible) and it took me two years of therapy to fully recover. The pandemic that hit when I was 18 became my best friend, because suddenly, the whole world was in chaos, not just me. I know it wasn’t a fun time at all for many of us, but for me, it definitely held its positive sides. It made it much easier for me to graduate high school and complete an apprenticeship despite being sick, but once I was recovered enough to dream again, I felt like I needed more. A clean slate, a fresh chapter. Ideally somewhere entirely different. That’s when I applied to my alma mater in early 2023 and two months later, I moved to Germany.
I tend to forget how recent all of that was because my life has shifted so fast and tremendously (couldn’t be more grateful for that), but that time has certainly left its marks. Even though life has only gotten better the older I get, I still catch myself in darker moments fearing: what if it gets bad again?
What if it gets bad again?
When bad is our default setting, it’s quite rough to imagine anything else than that, let alone trust that life is allowed to feel great on a constant basis. That doesn’t mean that we never experience difficult phases, not at all. But the outlook always depends on where you’re coming from.
I can say that I personally haven’t experienced anything remotely as horrible as the time during my burnout and recovery phase. And I don’t think (and hope) I ever will. Since Germany, life has given me so many amazing people to love, memories to cherish and experiences to grow through. When you’re used to something else, though, it’s quite challenging to relax into the good things. I’m sure I’m not the only one who can relate to that.
Just recently, I started my professional career as an independent author. Though it’s what I’ve always dreamt of doing, it wasn’t planned at all to begin right now – but I was lucky enough to land an amazing job for a project I truly cherish. Some unforeseeable circumstances have brought me into a lead position very quickly, which means that I now get to make fundamental editorial decisions. It took a moment to get used to the weight of that responsibility, but I truly love my work and things are going great.
Feeling so at home overall is incredibly new to me, and to be honest, it’s almost irritating. In a good way, though, but still – it’s just not what I’m used to. I just realised that accepting the good and trusting it is also something we might have to learn as we build our life according to our own wishes. So instead of fearing for the beauty to vanish, we could also learn to redirect our thoughts in a more productive direction.
Not: what if it gets bad again? But: what if it stays good?
It can stay good even if we might not be used to it. No one says that life must get progressively worse again, and just as we might reach safer shore as a survivor of difficult times, we could enjoy a barefoot walk on the sand when we get there instead of sitting at the beach and fearing for the next wave to drag us under. We are not our past, not the flawed moments we’re ashamed of and trying to bury. We deserve to outgrow them through accepting them as a part of our personal history. But they don’t get to hold the power over our today.
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