We’re told to put ourselves first. But taken too far, could that be exactly what’s keeping us from real connection?
Many of us are initially raised with the belief that others’ needs should come before our own. As this mentality often prevents people from finding their own happiness, we’ve seen a growing shift towards a more individualistic lifestyle.
But where’s the line between egocentrism and self-protection? And could we, if we’re not balancing careful enough, end up becoming our own jailers?
Article Overview:
Why is it so difficult to put ourselves first?
The consequences of people pleasing
When we overdo it with the self-protection
What’s the difference between a boundary and a compromise?
When is what needed?
How much responsibility do we really have for the wellbeing of others?
Why is it so difficult to put ourselves first?
Depending on how you were raised, putting yourself first can feel weird - or wrong, even. However, it’s a non-negotiable when it comes to building a life that works in our favour. Even though this has been scientifically established for a while now, we still don’t yet seem to be fully at peace with it. No wonder though, when in many cases the criticism tends to pour in once we dare to prioritise our own wellbeing.
Moms who go out dancing one evening while someone else is watching their kids, people leaving relationships that didn’t serve them any longer, someone choosing not to celebrate a holiday with their family because it does them more harm than good mentally…
- there are so many more examples. Little day-to-day situations where we feel like we need to carry someone else’s responsibility just because we can still bear it. We (and I’d argue, especially women and eldest siblings) feel like it’s our task to do so. But, well - it’s not.
The consequences of people pleasing
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, a people pleaser is described as “someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them, and always wants others to approve of their actions”. The problem: their behaviour usually benefits everyone around them except for them personally. Clinical psychologist Dr. Lynsey Kelly writes that people pleasing might lead to certain consequences, such as feeling unheard by those around us or uncertain of our own personal needs. In the long run, this can negatively affect both our wellbeing and sense of self.
The term has gained enormous popularity over the past couple of years, with many coaches and mentors (both self-proclaimed and actually trained) offering guidance on the topic. One of the logical main thoughts conveyed is that as a people pleaser, you should learn to put yourself first. That is, in some cases, how yesterday’s people pleasers become tomorrow’s egocentrics.
While this thought is of course oversimplified, I fear that it’s what’s often happening in collective mindset shifts - we swap from one extreme to the other. We tell ourselves we never want to experience something again - so we do everything differently. And by doing things differently, we lose sight of nuances.
When we overdo it with the self-protection
In human relationships, we want to feel seen while fearing to be vulnerable. Being overly self-protective can block our view of the other person so much that we might miss out on a chance for genuine connection. We can’t be as attentive as we might have wanted, simply because we’re too busy overdoing the “put yourself first” mindset. That can end up being just as harmful as being an unguarded open book to everybody without any boundary attached.
What’s the difference between a boundary and a compromise?
Lately, I had an interesting conversation with my grandma about the difference between setting a boundary and making a compromise. For me, this is exactly what it comes down to here as well.
Self-protection is linked to setting a clear boundary. It’s saying no without inviting discussion. A boundary isn’t up for debate, it’s a personal stop sign we each have the right to establish at all times. A compromise, on the other hand, comes with the intent to meet the other person in the middle. It might involve taking a step back and sacrificing parts of our own vision for the sake of the connection. Compromises are naturally open to discussion, unlike boundaries. This is why, in my opinion, we should be collectively interested in internalising the difference between those two.
When is what needed?
Compromises help us find the greatest common ground within our relationships while boundaries ensure that we never betray ourselves within the dynamic. Both are equally needed in a connection meant to let people thrive.
How much responsibility do we really have for the wellbeing of others?
That’s a question worth asking - both because it might free us from any wrongfully adopted responsibilities that have never been ours to begin with, and because it’s a loving reminder that at the end of the day, we are never really alone in any human experience.
The way we communicate and carry ourselves doesn’t just affect us, it always has an impact on the people we cross paths with as well. Every small gesture makes a difference. Every compliment. Every sincere apology. It matters whether we experience these little moments of genuineness in our daily lives - and the more often we do, the more power they’ll have in determining our course forward.
Maybe we shouldn’t just put ourselves first no matter what.
We should rather know when to stand firm and when to cross bridges for the people worth keeping.
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